Cameron Bates 11-13-14
To determine whether to overturn Principal Tonya Kings decision on junior Jim Stack hair, the school board will vote on Monday night at 7 P.M. Jim Stacks wants to grow out his hair to donate for wigs for kids with cancer.
“Not very many donate hair. Anyone can donate money, but it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it.” Stack said
He plans on growing his hair to the minimum of the Locks of Love group who gives hair to kids with cancer and the requirement is 10 inches.
“After I reach my goal of 10 inches of hair, I hope I can inspire more people in town to grow their hair and donate it.” Stack said.
The problem with this is that the boys student dress code is shorter than the shirt collar for boys.
“We have rules for a reason, and we can’t just break them anytime we want. The school would be in chaos then.” King said.
She doesn’t want one person breaking the dress code or else there would be more kids wanting to break dress code. She does however like the idea of him helping.
“There are other ways Jim could help Locks of Love group.”King said
Stacks could help by donating money, but Locks of Love needs hair more than anything.
“We desperately need human hair for our wigs. Every month we receive about 200 requests from families who cannot afford a wig for their sick child and every month we have to down about 150 of those requests.” president of Locks of Love Gisel Roco said.
The Locks of Love group is pleased with money but would much rather have hair and that Stacks hair would be a huge help.
“We will discuss it at the board meeting next week.” Bill Valdez
u need to use closing quotes. dont use that last sentence in the thesis. Make shure you use longer quotes
love your quotes \
grate transitions
#had fun readin it
good flow of ideas
presents the information well
better then Connors
messed up the punctuation in paragraph 2
longer transitions
change your name to muhhamed
Pros:
1.) display both sides equally
2.) few helping verbs
3.) good lead
Cons:
1.) first quote doesn’t have a closing quotation mark
2.) some of the paragraphs should be put together
3.) third quote is incorrectly spelt and is missing words
The good:
1. This sounds like journalism. So keep using this writing style.
2. The order of your quotes is good.
3. Most of your transitions are factual.
The bad:
1. Review the atrtibution rules. “Said” should always follow the name.
2. Your last quote is not something someone said. This would be great information to have in a transition though. Make sure you are saying who said every quote.
3. This is the first half of your story. I am leaving comments in it. Please read through:
To determine whether to overturn Principal Tonya Kings decision on junior Jim Stacks hair, the school board will vote on Monday night at 7 P.M. Jim Stacks wants to grow out his hair to donate for wigs for kids with cancer.
HIS NAME IS “STACK” NOT “STACKS”. JUST SAY “GROW OUT HIS HAIR FOR LOCKS OF LOVE.” THEN EXPLAIN WHAT LOCKS OF LOVE IS IN FIRST TRANSITION.
“Not very many donate hair. Anyone can donate money, but it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it.” said Stacks
IT WOULD BE “STACK SAID.”
He plans on growing his hair to the minimum of the Locks of Love group requirement of 10 inches.EXPLAIN WHAT LOCKS OF LOVE IS HERE.
“After I reach my goal of 10 inches of hair, I hope I can inspire more people in town to grow their hair and donate it.” Stacks said.
The problem with this is that the boys student dress code is shorter than the shirt collar for boys. WHEN YOU SAY “THE PROBLEM” IT MAKES IT AN OPINION. JUST SAY “THE DRESS CODE PROHIBITS MALE STUDENTS FROM HAVING HAIR PAST THEIR COLLAR.”
“We have rules for a reason, and we can’t just break them anytime we want. The school would be in chaos then.” King said.
QUOTE SHOULD BE LIKE THIS: “WE HAVE RULES FOR A REASON, AND WE CAN’T JUST BREAK THEM ANYTIME WE WANT,” KING SAID. “THE SCHOOL WOULD BE IN CHAOS THEN.”
She doesn’t want one person breaking the dress code or else there would be more kids wanting to break dress code. She does however like the idea of him helping.
YOU NEED TO REWRITE THIS TRANSITION, IT IS AN OPINION. TELL US FACTS.
“There are other ways Jim could help Locks of Love group.”King said
SAME PROBLEM. NEEDS TO BE A COMMA AFTER GROUP AND A PERIOD AFTER SAID.